Wife always agrees to help with things she doesn’t have the time for, and then she’s stressed about it, now her husband is tired of that habit: ‘You keep saying yes to things you don’t actually want to do, then you get angry at everyone’

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My wife is genuinely a good person, but she has a habit that drives me crazy. Whenever we have friends or family over, she will agree to help with something even when she clearly doesn't have the time or energy. Then later, she gets stressed and overwhelmed, and somehow I end up being the one helping her finish everything. This happened again last
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A married couple lying on a bed. Image shown for illustrative purposes; person depicted is a model.
weekend. She volunteered to host dinner for some relatives, even though she had already told me she was exhausted from work. I told her beforehand that she didn't have to do it and that we could just order food, but she insisted. On the day of the dinner, she was stressed and snapping at me because everything wasn't getting done fast enough. I finally told her, "You keep saying yes to
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things you don't actually want to do, and then you get angry at everyone else when it becomes too much." She got really upset and said I was being unsupportive and should have helped instead of criticizing her. I did help, and I wasn't trying to embarrass her. I just wanted her to realize that this keeps happening.
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A married couple after the ceremony. Stock photo unrelated.
Foreign-Cow-1189 No dude. Stick to your guns with this one. She volunteers for stressful situations and then lashes out at you and lays it all on your shoulders. You should talk to her about this again when she has cooled down, and not when in the middle of it.
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DogLvrinVA You need to talk to her when you are not in the middle of the activity. Talk to her when you are both rested. Explain that how she gets is upsetting and that life is much better when she doesn't overextend herself. If she won't listen, have this discussion in a therapist's office
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scruffyrosalie 2d ago At a calm time, say something like this: "Hey, I really love that you want to help people even when you're exhausted. But I see how stressed you get and you lash out at me even though I help you get done what you volunteered for. That's not healthy for either of us. So whenever you bite off more than
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you can chew in future, I'm not going to enable you by helping you and getting my own head bitten off in the process. Please put your own health and sanity first. And the health of our relationship next. And then if you have energy left to give, then volunteer to help other people. How do you feel about that?"
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Free-Stranger1142 2d ago It's time for you to put your foot down at the moment you see her doing this and express why you aren't supporting said activity. You could also let it go and then be unavailable to help when the inevitable cr p hits the fan, for a lesson.
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Old Move_6101 2d ago NTA. I have a rule born of experience: do not volunteer my time, effort, or resources without my prior consent. If you do, you are the one who has to call and cancel not me.
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bigfootvsdisco NTA. Something needed to be said. You just didn't choose the best time to do so. My husband has a very similar habit. He paints and builds rc cars. He is talented and he enjoys doing it. But then people will want to pay him to paint or build their cars and he will virtually always yes (and undercharge). Even when we don't need the money, he doesn't have the
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time, he already has multiple projects going, etc. Life can be stressful enough without piling on more things that are totally avoidable! I think they often genuinely don't realize the fallout of their choices impacts more than just themselves. And bringing it up in the heat of the moment usually gets taken as personal criticism rather than concern - we don't like seeing our partners get spread thin like this! I won't lie and say we've totally resolved this problem but it has
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gotten much better. The biggest things have been 1) clearly laying out how you're feeling - unfairly bearing the brunt of their distress and getting hit with friendly fire, etc and 2) addressing the offers before or as they are happening, basically being the voice in their ear saying "Don't do this! You don't even want to and it's a bad idea!" A good amount of the time their yes is coming from a place of people pleasing and having a hard time saying no. Well, by saying yes to them, they are lett
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Chances are they care more about you than they do the other person. 3) Therapy! Sometimes you need an objective outside party to point out your behavior patterns and suggest why they exist.
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BigSun9567 The only way she's gonna learn is if you stop helping her. Next time she volunteers for something she doesn't have the bandwidth to do let her sink or swim on her own. Please try talking to her about this again for both your sakes.
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